A few months ago I turned down two job offers. I was holding out for the ‘right one’.
The next job offer that came my way seemed too good to decline. So I accepted. But even as I signed the contract I found myself deeply anxious. It turned out I wasn’t sure this one was ‘right’ either.
Those first two jobs I passed on were ambiguous. They had no benefits or promising pay packages. But they were an opportunity to try something new and exciting.
The role I accepted would help me specialise further in my field and it would allow me to put another well-know brand name on my CV. My experience and potential would be rewarded with a generous pay package. But I would be letting go of something in me I wasn’t sure I wanted to give up.
I lost nights of sleep before writing emails to decline those first two offers. Days questioning myself. And it didn’t really get better after I signed the contract. I was still anxious, still couldn’t sleep.
When making a decision doesn’t make you feel good
I thought if I could just get myself to feel good about the whole thing, it would mean I made the right choice.
My mum, boyfriend and best friend were enlisted to council, reassure and soothe me. I consulted them one-by-one, my neurosis making me talk in circles. But nothing they said, nothing I thought or tried to think, worked.
Starting the job helped a little at first, then not much, then not at all, then a bit. I was hopeful on the days I achieved something, melancholy during days of dull tasks. It was exhausting. All I wanted was to know once and for all: did I make the right decision?
After four months I realised, there would be no realisation.
I was never going to ‘just know’ that I made the right decision, or the wrong one.
Because life is not absolute. You can analyse and rationalise and triangulate your ideas with as many people as you want. Or you can go on a whim, on intuition, on a feeling. And still, the path you choose may not lead where you want to go.
It is our need to feel certain about the outcome of a decision that causes anxiety and stress.
But nothing in life is certain. All you can really do after making a decision is to let go of all the other paths not taken.
Commit to creating the outcome you want and have the resilience to handle the outcomes you don’t.
In other words, every decision involves two acts of willpower.
The first, is to make the decision.
And the second is to choose your choice.
